I love having children but trying to create them was a horrific experience fraught with peril. The first time around took 2 years, and we were beyond lucky to get pregnant with El-D - with a little bit of medical intervention. He's our lightning in a bottle. The second pregnancy never happened at all. That took 3 years and 6 rounds of IUI. At that point I was physically exhausted and emotionally depleted, and ready to give up completely. My husband always considered adoption, but I just couldn't imagine going through such a long process, spending so much money, and getting past the desire to have another biological child. I'm so very glad I did.
On an airplane coming home from a business trip, I read an article about a family who couldn't get pregnant. They adopted a baby boy, and since they knew they wanted more, started with a surrogate almost right way. The mother and the surrogate got pregnant at the same time. So, within 18 months, they had 3 children, each of which came to them via a different avenue. They were overwhelmed, but happy and complete and fulfilled. Meanwhile, I just knew that our family was missing a person, and that I would never get over not having a second child. I felt like I'd be 80 years old and still sad about it. Reading that article was a "eureka!" moment for me.
Chad & I started looking into adoption right away. The process - especially in the beginning - is daunting. There's more paperwork than you can even imagine to fill out, and we were told the waiting period was 3 years. I'd alternate between being excited and desolate.
It took 7 months from the moment I read that article to the moment I held Baby N in my arms for the first time. To quote many an infomercial, our results are not typical. All of our friends knew (and by friends I mean people we actually speak to, vs. Facebook people) we were adopting, and we also had our parents spread the word at synagogue, church, etc. The church connection paid off big-time. My mother-in-law told fairy godmother B, who is a judge in the family court system in VA, a member of their church, and an adoptive parent that Chad & I were looking to adopt. 5 months later, fairy godmother G, who is Baby N's biological Aunt approached fairy godmother B about her sister, who was pregnant and looking to make an adoption plan for the baby. A few weeks later we knew Baby N was to be ours, and 3 weeks after that, we were at Winchester Regional Medical Center waiting for Baby N to arrive.
They brought Baby N out to us immediately, and Chad & I were the first people to hold him. We were even lucky enough to spend that first night in the hospital with him, and it means the world to me that he had a family from the moment he was born. In the hospital people kept asking me how I felt - especially compared to how I felt when El-D was born, and here's the thing: I can't answer that question. El-D was a c-section after a long labor who never got the hang of breast feeding. The hospital experience with him was a bit harrowing. Baby N was also a c-section, but I was physically 100% fine, and just had to give him a bottle every 3 hours and change his diaper - it was kind of easy. Emotionally, I'd classify myself as overwhelmed and freaked out - both times - for different reasons.
One of my biggest fears about adoption was that I wouldn't feel the same about an adopted baby as I did about my biological child. I looked at El-D, and felt unmistakably that he was MINE. Would holding an adopted baby feel that way, or would it feel like holding a friend's baby, where sure, you like the kid, but you can also give it back no problem. I'm happy to say that both boys are MINE. I remember looking at El-D every day and feeling more and more in love, and it is the same with Baby N.
Sharing an adoption story is pretty personal, but I'm very open about our experience for a couple of reasons - first, Baby N's adoption won't be a secret - I even plan to pull together a children's book for him about our personal experience (I've been saying this for a year. Please shame me into starting.). Second, we are unbelievably lucky, and if I can help anyone else struggling to build a family by sharing our experience and answering their questions, then maybe I can in some small way help another family find each other.
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